


Doc and Charlie: Cat Parents

by springstorms



Series: charbitch <3 [3]
Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Dialogue Heavy, Fluff, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, birthday celebrating and apartment trashing, charlie kelly: unofficial catboy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:34:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27760849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/springstorms/pseuds/springstorms
Summary: Charlie knows exactly what to get Doc for his birthday.Hint: it's a cat
Relationships: Charlie Kelly/Scientist (It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia)
Series: charbitch <3 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2005804
Comments: 5
Kudos: 31





	Doc and Charlie: Cat Parents

**Author's Note:**

> it's called....domestic bliss

"I swear to God, man, I have never seen that before in my life." 

"Okay, the artichoke I could believe, but this is asparagus. I know you've encountered asparagus before." Doc said from the stovetop, oil sizzling and spitting from the pan loud enough to drown out the old jazz record he'd put on. 

Charlie was sitting at his kitchen counter and attempting to sew a patch onto the elbow of his green jacket, bored and trying to distract him (to no avail) from his cooking by pretending not to recognize the ingredients. He widened his eyes, affecting an innocent look. "That doesn't even look edible, Doc, I'm pretty sure I'd remember seeing it before." 

"And this?" He held a mushroom aloft. 

"I know what mushrooms are, duh. What are those ones, though?" Charlie pointed to the cutting board. 

Doc gave him a look over his shoulder. "Chives, which I've literally seen you eat before."

Charlie's defense was interrupted by Doc's phone buzzing on the countertop. "Would you mind checking that for me? You can practice your reading." 

Charlie grabbed the phone and squinted at the screen. "It's from your mom! One's a picture, the other says happy...happy birthday? It's your birthday?" 

Doc moved the pan from the burner and walked over with a sigh, reaching over to unlock the phone. "It is tomorrow."

The picture underneath the text was of a nerdy looking child wearing a sweater vest and presenting the camera with a big thumbs up. "Oh my god, is that you?"

Doc signed again. "Yes, it's me. That's from my bar mitzvah." 

"Wooow." Charlie said, grabbing the phone and zooming in on his face. "I hate to say it, man, but 13 year old me would've wanted to beat 13 year old you up."

"He would've been in good company." 

"Wait, why didn't you say anything about your birthday?"

Doc avoided eye contact. "I honestly just don't like making a fuss, I don't usually do much each year."

"Dude, I get it, I don't usually do much for mine, either, but we should do something when you get back from work!"

Doc looked at him doubtfully. "Are you sure…?"

"Yeah! Whatever you want."

"...Well, alright. But I'd rather you didn't get me anything, okay? We can just watch a documentary, or something, that'd be fine." 

"Big dreamer, huh?" Charlie said, still looking at the picture on Doc's phone and marvelling at the differences (and similarities) between the two versions of the same person.

"Like I said, I don't like fuss." Doc said, turning back to the stove. The gears were already turning in Charlie's head, though, and he could read between the lines: Doc just needed a good surprise, that was it, something to show that someone was paying attention. Hadn't he said something about wanting a cat back when they'd re-met? Charlie grinned to himself. He could arrange that. 

—*—*—

Doc glanced at his watch for the fourth time in ten minutes, the stack of half-graded papers in front of him only slightly smaller than it had been an hour ago. Between another denied funding request and the animal rights club who had snuck in overnight to set all of the lab rats free Doc hadn't had the easiest day, and the prospect of getting to go home and spend the evening with Charlie was a considerably uplifting one even though he wasn't fond of celebrating birthdays. Maybe he'd finally be able to convince Charlie to watch that documentary about chess.

He looked up at the sound of a light tap on his door and gestured for the student to come in, grateful for any kind of distraction. "Uh, hey, Dr—" The student was cut off by loud buzzing from Doc's phone. "Terribly sorry." He said, reaching over to silence it and forcing himself not to pick up even when he saw it was Charlie calling. He spent the next twenty minutes half distracted, convincing himself that Charlie was calling because of an emergency even though he usually called because he preferred it to texting.

When the student left he immediately called back, relieved to hear Charlie's voice cracking over the line. "Hey, Doc! I just wanted to tell you that I'm at your apartment already." 

"How did you get in?"

"Fire escape, of course."

"Genuinely?" 

"Nah. Too slippery in the rain. The lady with the curly hair from down the hall let me in."

"Ah. Caroline." 

"Yup! I just wanted you to know so you don't think I'm a robber, or something. I have a birthday surprise for you!"

"Charlie, you really didn't have to…" 

"I know, I know, but it's the least I can do for you, dude. Seriously." Doc's chest gave a little squeeze. 

"That's very thoughtful of you. I'll be home in—what was that?" Doc could hear a faint yowling in the background along with the muffled sounds of Charlie moving around. 

"Oh, uh, one of Caroline's cats got out into the hall! I should probably help her with that! Gotta go!" 

The call ended with a _click. Doc_ frowned at the abrupt ending but Caroline's cats _had_ gotten out a few times before and one usually did have to act quickly before they were halfway down the stairwell. He sighed, glancing down at his watch. One more hour. 

*—*—*

Doc tossed his keys into the little dish by the door, a growing sense of anticipation in his gut as he shrugged off his green parka. "Charlie? Was there something you wanted to—" he cut himself off as he turned around, several things becoming immediately apparent: 

One, that his fridge was standing open and there were cans of open catfood scattered amongst oddly shaped hunks of tofu and overflowing bowls of milk on the countertops and floor,

Two, that there were newspapers spread over all of the furniture and most of the floor, many dampened with what he could only imagine was urine,

and three, that Charlie was standing in the lounge with one arm thrown theatrically in the air and the other hanging onto a thrashing cat, wearing a desperate smile with blood dripping down his cheek. 

Doc opened his mouth then shut it again, arms dropping in the middle of unwinding his scarf. "...I."

"Surprise!"

"Indeed." 

Charlie lowered his arm to better hold onto the struggling cat, flinching as he tried to hold his wavering smile even as it raked its claws down his upper arm, eyes crazed. "It's a birthday present! You said you wanted a cat." 

Doc squinted. "I...when was this?"

"At our therapy thing, dude...you don't remember?" Charlie's smile dropped. 

"Oh! I do recall mentioning that...that's...very thoughtful of you, Charlie." He winced as Charlie narrowly dodged the cat lunging at him with its teeth bared. "Perhaps you should put the cat down."

Charlie sighed in relief and set the cat down, watching it immediately let out a yowl and streak under the couch. "I don't know what her problem is, man, she followed me here no problem and she's _usually_ one of the nicer ones outside of my apartment." He shot a look under the couch, clearly frustrated. The three long scratches down his upper arm were beginning to bleed. 

"...Right, well, she's probably frightened of being in a new place. First things first, though, let's tend to those scratches."

Charlie blinked, looking down at his arm as if he hadn't noticed then touching his cheek, his fingertips coming back red. "Oh shit, she got my face, too?" 

Doc pressed his lips together. "Yes. She didn't bite you anywhere, did she?" 

"She tried, she tried, but I'm good at dodging." Charlie said, following him to the bathroom.

Doc steered Charlie to the sink, turning on the tap and grabbing a rag. "Here, wash them out with soap and water and give me a moment." His knees popped as he crouched to dig through his drawers, triumphantly pulling out a bottle of hydrogen peroxide and a box of bandages. He soaked the cotton balls in peroxide before closing the bottle and standing on tiptoes to place it on the highest shelf, out of Charlie's reach. 

When Charlie was done with the washrag Doc pressed gently on his shoulders to get him to sit on the side of the tub before peering in, brow furrowed; the tub was full of soapy water and there were claw marks all over the sides. "Did you try to give her a bath?" 

"Well _yeah,_ in case she was too dirty for your apartment." 

Doc took a deep breath. "That makes sense." He sat next to Charlie and began to gently dab at his arm with the cotton balls, hand wrapped around his wrist to hold his arm steady. Charlie winced a little at the sting of the peroxide but let himself be tended to. 

"You're upset, aren't you?" He asked after a moment, watching Doc place a large bandaid on his freckled upper arm. 

"Why do you think that?" Doc asked, patting Charlie's finished arm once then reaching up to dab at his cheek, hesitating for a moment before using his other hand to cradle Charlie's jaw, tilting his chin to the side for a better angle. Charlie seemed okay with it, shutting his eyes and practically nuzzling his hand as he let his head be tilted.

"I mean...I don't know if you noticed because you were excited about the cat, but your apartment's kinda a mess." 

"...I did notice that, yes. Nothing that can't be fixed though, right?" He said, attempting an upbeat tone. 

"Yeah, yeah, pretty much!" Charlie said, eyes darting briefly to the door. 

"Pretty much?" 

"Well, your curtains got a little ripped up because I can't find where I left my kitten mittens...and there might be some piss on your bed. But most of it is on the newspapers, I swear! Plus I'm really good at cleaning, you know that, so I promise to fix it all before the end of the day!"

Doc frowned. "Actually, I think we ought to take you to get a rabies shot today. I can probably take you to the university's health center and it'll be free."

"Do I _really_ need it, though? I know what cats with rabies look like, dude, they get this glazed over look in their eyes…" he trailed off like he was reliving something. 

"It's better to be safe than sorry." Doc pointed out, gently pressing the small bandage over the scratch on Charlie's cheek and forcing himself to remove his hand from his jaw. "—Plus we've been discussing getting your bloodwork done anyway, right? We could knock it all out in one go."

Charlie sighed. "But that's not a very exciting birthday for you." 

"Oh, I've had plenty of excitement already." Doc said, getting to his feet. "Speaking of which, shall I go become acquainted with my...new friend?"

The cat had ventured out from underneath the couch and was sniffing curiously at one of the bowls of milk in the kitchen but began to back into the corner when they got closer, tiny shoulderblades poking up and narrowed eyes blazing like two tiny orange furnaces. Doc slowly dropped into a kneel and grabbed one of the cans of cat food, setting it on the floor and sliding it over to her. She stared at him hesitantly for almost a full minute before taking a few steps forwards and hesitantly sniffing at the food, eyes still flicking up warily as she ate like she was waiting for him to take it away from her. Her calico fur was sticking up in messy tufts, probably from her bath, and she had a streak of black down her nose that Doc found rather endearing. _If she doesn't have rabies we'll have to take her for grooming before immunizations_ he found himself thinking, realization dawning that he's already accepted that this is his life now.

Doc slowly held out a hand and let it hover in the air. She took a few tentative steps forwards and sniffed, still keeping her distance, before backing away again, posture slightly more relaxed than before. 

He glanced up at Charlie who was looking between him and the cat with a helpless little smile. "You're totally the cat whisperer, dude!"

He shrugged, unable to keep the smile from spreading across his face. "I don't know about that…"

"What are you gonna name her?" He asked, dropping down next to him and holding a hand out for her to sniff from afar. 

"I'd have to think about it…"

"I have ten ideas already." Charlie said, expression serious. 

"You can run through them all on the way to the health center. I'll have Caroline pop in, her cats used to be strays so she might know how to handle her while we're gone."

—*—*— 

When they got back to the apartment both of Charlie's arms ached from having blood drawn from one and shots done in the other, but the plus was that he didn't end up having rabies, something Doc had seemed incredibly relieved about.

Caroline was sitting on the floor shaking a dangling feather on a stick for the cat, who was so distracted trying to catch it that she didn't even react to them coming in. 

"Thank you so much for helping, Caroline, I honestly owe you my life." 

"Nonsense, just let me come visit this little angel sometimes and we'll be more than even." She noticed Charlie eying her stick and held it out to him. "Would you like to try?" 

Charlie nodded and slid to the floor, shaking the feather around and watching the cat bat at it with single-minded focus, amber eyes bright and alert. 

Caroline started giving Doc tips on how to tame her and get her used to them while Charlie tuned her out, but eventually the cat got bored and slunk away to hide under the couch again and he stood back up. 

"—You'll also have to get dry food along with the wet food, which you probably shouldn't leave out because she'll be hungry all the time if you do. And she can't eat tofu."

"I dunno, I think I was onto something with the tofu." Charlie said, poking at one of the hunks still on the counter. 

"Onto something?" Doc asked.

"Oh, well, you don't have any meat, right? So I was trying to figure out how to make this flavorless mush actually appealing, no offense, so I was molding it to be shaped like rats, see?" He held up a chunk of tofu that looked vaguely rodent-shaped.

"Very clever." Caroline said after a beat, shrugging on her coat. "I'm afraid it's still no good for cats, but I'm sure she'd love if you bought a rat shaped toy to play with instead!" 

"Yeahhh, kinda pointless to spend money on a toy when I could just bring her a real one, though…"

Caroline smoothed her hands over her coat, smiling slightly awkwardly. "I'd better be off. Give me a ring if you have any more questions!" 

"I don't know if she really understands the essence of a street cat." Charlie said doubtfully after she left, distracted by fiddling with the feather.

"Perhaps not, but we'll give her suggestions a shot anyway. Starting with cleaning up a bit, hmm? Would you mind grabbing the duvet so we can put it in the laundry?" 

"Like, in the laundry-room?"

Doc nodded.

"Like...right now?" 

"Charlie, is there something wrong with the laundry room?"

"I swear I'll clean it." Charlie said immediately.

Doc raised an eyebrow and slowly opened the door, tensed up like he feared the worst. There was a pause, then: "Charlie, why is there sand all over the laundry room floor?"

"Well we already had these bags of sand in the bar for the water damage, right, so I figured I'd make a homemade litter box! But then the bag ripped…"

Doc sighed. 

Two hours and a botched attempt at sweeping up sand later and they were mostly done, celebrating on the couch with indian takeout. The cat was focused on the scratching post Doc had asked Caroline to bring over for them to borrow in a fit of desperation to protect his already very scratched up couch.

"What about Thundergun?"

"Like those awful….I mean, awfully exciting films?"

"It's okay that you don't like them, but it's a cool name anyway, don't you think?"

"Hmm. What about Ulysses?"

Charlie barked a laugh. "Is that a _name?"_

"Yes! It's stately!"

"I don't know about that one...what about Ripper?"

Doc wrinkled his nose. "A bit violent."

"Yeah, you want her to scare intruders! She totally ripped me up, man, she could do that to robbers, too, if you train her…"

"What about Vygotsky?"

"Too hard to say."

"Aronson?"

"Ehhh...Prowler?"

Doc _hmm_ ed again the way he did when he didn't want to say that he didn't like something. 

"What about officially Doc jr but unofficially Prowler?"

"I do have a name, Charlie."

"Not a scary one. Doc jr could be, like, an evil scientist."

"...A cat who is also an evil scientist?"

"It's better than all of your ideas being your nerdy psychology idols." Charlie huffed. 

"What about Csikszentmihályi?"

Charlie gawped. "Now you're fucking with me."

Doc's eyes crinkled up. "Yes, I am. That is a real psychologist, though." 

"Maybe we should do something from another subject you're nerdy about. Oh, shit! Your mug! What was the cat on your mug?"

"That was Schrödinger's cat." Doc supplied, watching the cat thoughtfully. I don't mind that, actually. It might be a bit of a cliché, but…"

"No _way_ that's a cliché. It's the best idea I've had all day."

"Schrödinger's a bit of a mouthful, though. Schrödi? Dinger? Rodi?"

"Sh-ro-dee. Schrödi!" Charlie sounded it out. "I like that. Do you like it? It's _your_ birthday."

"I like it." Doc said, eyes soft and smile wide. 

Charlie poked at his curry. "I'm glad, dude, because for a second there earlier I thought you didn't actually want a cat."

"It's not that I didn't want one, it's just, well...it's a bit ridiculous, actually, I don't—"

Charlie perked up. "What is it?" 

"...You sort of filled that spot in my life, a bit."

Charlie tilted his head. "Are you saying I'm... like a cat?" 

Doc thought about how 80% of the time Charlie spent at his apartment was napping, eating, or accidentally breaking things. He thought about how restless he got when he wanted attention, seeking validation without knowing how to ask for it, and how when he felt threatened or insecure he'd either isolate himself or defend himself fiercely if he had to. He thought about Charlie's messy tufts of hair and big eyes and fixation on rats and tendency towards physical affection. "Well...a bit, yes." 

"Dude…"

Doc cringed. 

"That's awesome! I've always identified with cats, you know, like how I think I was one in my past life, 'n shit, and I'm totally on the same wavelength with them, so the fact that _you_ picked up on it means I'm not crazy!" 

Doc cracked an eye open, surprised. "Yes, well, that's what I meant—that you have a...similar energy, in a way."

"Except you won't let me eat cat food anymore." Charlie pointed out. 

"Having similar energy is _not_ the same as requiring the same nutrients." He said. "—and I _will_ be checking to make sure that none of Schrödi's food goes missing." 

Charlie rolled his eyes dramatically and heaved a sigh, placing his finished container on the coffee table and scooting over to lean against Doc. "Fine." Doc's hand found its way into Charlie's hair and he sighed contentedly, letting his head drop onto his shoulder.

On the floor, Schrödi arched her back in a long stretch and curled up on the crinkled newspapers, still eying them slightly cautiously but already seeming markedly calmer than earlier.

"Thank you for a good birthday." Doc said quietly.

"No problem, man." Charlie said around a yawn, settling into Doc's side. "Just promise we'll play nightcrawlers on mine, okay?" 

"Okay."

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> inspired by the song alley cats by hot chip!
> 
> find me on twitter @onlybieeding :)


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